Looking for single family home for rent (Within hour of Waukesha, WI)

We are a family of five with three kids. No doubt, we are in the same situation as many others but it's worth a try. We have rented for many years and our landlord is selling the house. I have had a business for almost 30 years and have been located in Waukesha for most of the last 20. We would like to stay within a reasonable distance but not in the city of Milwaukee or Madison. Our current lease is up in June. We have been renting a 4br 2ba that was built by Theodore Roosevelt's 3rd cousin twice removed, constructed of paper mache bricks held together with wallpaper paste and clothes pins. It's really a remarkable feat of engineering. I earn money sharpening colored pencils and my wife makes lonely people happy by crafting personal companions out of potatoes. Our children make pemmican out of the pencil and potato shavings blended with the roadkill we manage to salvage on the 3-mile walk to their school.

In all seriousness, we are easy renters. We take care of where we live and our landlord will give you excellent feedback. What we are struggling with is staying on top of all the newest places and we've missed out on every single place that would work for us. Every single one. We are not dot.com millionaires or hedge fund managers. We don't play with crypto, broadcast TED talks to vapid lemmings about the food we eat or have an OnlyFans account. (I mean, unless dudes with dad bods doing the #showershitandshave routine catches on, because I might be able to get behind that. Maybe not in that order...) We are used to 2000/mo. We'd like to stay around there, we can do up to 2500/mo. I mean, let's face it, renting is a joke these days, but so is real estate. My family and friends tell me to buy a house. "Don't you save any money?" Of course I do. When I go to the grocery store, I use a coupon to save 25 cents off a five dollar bottle of two dollar ketchup. And I save it for a house. Just like you did, Grandma, back in 1969 when you and Grandpa bought your big house for 5 kids with a 2-car garage and the in-ground pool for a hundred dollars and a bag of turnips. So, we rent. And we don't save, just like everyone else. We are buying time, not biding it. You can't take it with you. It's all good.

I can't complain. My family is healthy. They're the best thing I have going for me. If it weren't for them I'd spend all my time stuffing shredded junk mail back into their prepaid envelopes with as much glitter as they'll hold and dropping them off at the Post Office. I'd like to keep my family happy and healthy by finding a house. It doesn't have to be the best house. It doesn't need to be 4br when 3 will work. It doesn't need to have 2ba but it would certainly keep us saner for a longer period of time before we have nothing but teenagers. Did you know the average teenager goes through an entire roll of toilet paper a day?! I didn't know that either. Nobody warned me! Obviously, we stopped having sex after the 3rd one popped out. Now we just make out in sign language. If we had to make eye contact it would probably lead to an unplanned pregnancy. She's looking at me right now, I think. I can feel a fork about to stab me in the neck. She might be onto something. I'm quite marbled, I bet I taste like a cut of wagyu. Not that I've ever had it; I'm just guessing. I'm broke paying for all the damn toilet paper around here.

What would our perfect place be? Disney World Haunted Mansion meets the Addams family. Someplace Tim Burton would be happy to call home. Sandworms out the back door, endless hallways, forlorn neighbors in a mid-century modern wasteland curiously drawn to the Song of the Sausage Creature. But this isn't California. California isn't even California, anymore. I think the statute of limitations has run out, but I'm not one to tempt fate.

3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths would be awesome. Kitchen. Closets. Clean basement? A garage. We are a motorcycle family. We would love it if it was a farm house with some room in the back for the kids to ride their minibikes and we can keep an eye on them. Not on each other, of course. Can't slip and have more kids. We love the ones we have. More kids equals bigger houses. It's a slippery slope. We are happy to cut the grass. We have a snowblower. Even has those fancy heated grips. No beer holder though, which is lame. I just shove them in the snow, usually, but then I can't find it. When the Easter Bunny comes around months later, it's fun for the whole family to find them. Tastes flat by then, though. We are very laid back. We don't miss payments. Maybe you love animals and will let us rescue a small dog? My kids have me wrapped around their finger and it would make them very happy if we could do that. But if they are doomed to remain living embodiments of Margaret Keane paintings, they will survive. They will stalk me like golems and attempt pyrokinesis on me while I'm sleeping but they will survive. We can afford anything on a scale of 1-2500. Obviously we'd love to save more, but maybe you have something we'd really like. We can verify our income, we have good references. More than 2500 would need to have a live-in sitter, personal chef or one of those fancy toilets that clean your butthole like Europeans have. None of that battery-operated crap you see on Home Shopping Network, either.

Probably no one will read this. But you might. We're interested. I'm literally waiting for paint to dry. At work, of course! Not at the house. We fixed all the holes in the drywall with toothpaste and more paper mache months ago. Trust me, nobody will notice, and the minty smell will be gone bye June. We're not window lickers, we planned ahead. Shit, that's a lie. My son definitely licks windows, and everything else. Every night I pray that please, please, don't wake up one day and identify as a dog. I don't want to share my Milk Bones. It's the only treat I have left that they won't touch. I lost my taste for pemmican after they added that turtle last year. We thought it was a rock but it was baking all summer. They have Use By Dates for a reason...

I'd say I'm bored, but I'm probably just anxious to find a place. Would love to hear from you if you have something. Or if you just want to buy some pemmican or need a potato friend, that's ok, too.

Email works best. We're working to save up for your house rental!

post id: 7738941230


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